Are You in the Driver’s Seat of Your Life—Or Just a Passenger?
Imagine you’re in a car, barrelling down the highway. The road is bumpy, the turns unexpected, and every so often, a storm rolls in, making it hard to see ahead. Now, here’s the real question: Are you gripping the steering wheel, adjusting as you go, or are you slumped in the passenger seat, watching life happen to you?
The Science of Agency: You Have More Control Than You Think
Psychologists call this locus of control—your belief about whether your life is shaped by external forces (bad luck, childhood circumstances, the economy) or by your own actions. Studies show that people with an internal locus of control (believing they influence their outcomes) tend to be happier, more resilient, and more successful. Those with an external locus of control (believing life just happens to them) are more prone to anxiety, depression, and stagnation.
Neuroscience backs this up. Every time you make a choice that reinforces your ability to shape your reality, your brain strengthens neural pathways associated with self-efficacy—your belief that you can make things happen. But every time you resign yourself to fate, you reinforce helplessness instead.
The good news? Agency is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.
Meeting the Victims of Life
I’ve met so many people who live as victims of their own lives. Everything happens to them. Their relationships fall apart because their partners were just ‘too difficult.’ Their jobs stagnate because their bosses ‘never noticed their hard work.’ Their health deteriorates because ‘life is too stressful.’ There’s always a reason, always an external force to blame—but never personal accountability.
Take Sarah, for example. She came to me feeling stuck, convinced life was just unfair to her. Her relationships were turbulent, her career was at a standstill, and she felt powerless. But when we dug deeper, she realised she was handing over her power at every turn—waiting for others to validate her, avoiding uncomfortable decisions, and blaming circumstances instead of stepping up. When she finally took responsibility, even in small ways, things started to shift.
We all have Sarah moments. The key is recognising them and choosing differently.
Compassion for Circumstances (Because Life Does Throw Curveballs)
Let’s get one thing straight: Acknowledging your power doesn’t mean dismissing real struggles. Trauma, systemic barriers, and unforeseen hardships are very real, and pretending they don’t exist is just toxic positivity in disguise.
But even in the face of challenges, you have choices. Maybe you didn’t choose your starting point, but you do choose how you respond. And that choice, however small, is where your power lies.
Shifting from Passenger to Driver
So how do you take the wheel? Here’s a no-BS, action-driven guide:
1. Audit Your Life Like a Scientist
Where are you blaming circumstances instead of taking responsibility?
What’s one small thing you can control today? (Your reactions? Your habits? The way you speak to yourself?)
2. Reframe Your Narrative
Shift from “I can’t do this because…” to “How can I make this happen despite…”
Instead of saying “I’m stuck,” try “I’m figuring it out.” Words shape perception. Perception shapes reality.
3. Micro-Moves, Not Massive Overhauls
Change doesn’t come from one big leap—it comes from consistent, small steps. If your health is out of whack, start with one glass of water. If your career feels stagnant, send one email today. Just one.
4. Own Your Choices—Even the Ugly Ones
If you’re unhappy, what role are you playing in that? Maybe it’s a boundary you’re not setting, a fear you’re letting drive you, or an old pattern you’re still living in. No self-blame—just radical honesty.
5. Act First, Feel Later
Waiting until you feel ready is a trap. Action fuels motivation, not the other way around. Take the first step; confidence catches up later.
The Hard Truth (With a Soft Landing)
You can’t control everything. But you can control a hell of a lot more than you think. The question is—will you step up? Or will you stay stuck, convincing yourself the road is in charge instead of you?
Here’s the challenge: This week, do one thing that proves to yourself that you are in the driver’s seat. No matter how small. Just one.
Because your life? It’s not a spectator sport. Buckle up.
With love and accountability,
Tammy