Grief Cycle in Love: Why It Hurts and How to Heal
Breakups, situationships, and even the loss of unspoken romantic possibilities can feel like grief—because they are. The Kübler-Ross grief cycle, originally developed to describe the emotional stages of mourning a death, also applies to the heartbreak of love lost.
When a relationship ends—whether it was a committed partnership, a confusing situationship, or an unfulfilled romantic hope—you’re not just losing a person. You’re grieving the dreams, the future you imagined, and even parts of yourself that were wrapped up in that connection. Understanding this grief process can help you navigate it with more self-compassion and intention.
Let’s break down the five stages of grief in the context of love, why each stage is so painful, and how you can support yourself through it.
1. Denial – “This isn’t really happening.”
Denial is the mind’s way of cushioning the blow. You might tell yourself:
They just need space, they’ll come back.
Maybe I’m overthinking things, we’ll work it out.
They do care, they’re just not great at showing it.
Denial keeps you from fully processing the breakup all at once. Instead, it drip-feeds reality in digestible doses.
Example:
Sarah had been with Mark for three years when he suddenly said he “needed to find himself.” She told herself it was just a phase and that he would realise how much he loved her. She kept their shared Netflix account active, checked his social media for signs of regret, and avoided telling friends they had truly broken up.
How to Help Yourself:
Acknowledge what’s real. Write down the facts of the breakup to counteract wishful thinking.
Limit contact if possible—prolonging connection often fuels denial.
Ground yourself in the present by focusing on your daily routine and self-care.
2. Anger – “How could they do this to me?”
Once reality starts to settle, emotions intensify. You might feel:
Betrayed by broken promises.
Resentful of wasted time or mixed signals.
Furious at their lack of effort, honesty, or commitment.
Anger can also turn inward: Why wasn’t I enough? or Why did I put up with that? This stage is painful but important—it signals that you’re no longer suppressing emotions.
Example:
Tom had been in a situationship for a year, hoping it would turn into something more. When the other person started dating someone new, Tom was furious. He replayed all the moments he had put in effort and resented the emotional limbo he had been stuck in.
How to Help Yourself:
Express your anger in a healthy way: journal, scream into a pillow, or move your body.
Recognise that anger often covers deeper pain. What hurt you the most?
Avoid lashing out or seeking revenge—acting in anger often leads to regret.
3. Bargaining – “Maybe if I change, they’ll stay.”
This is the ‘what if’ stage, where your mind scrambles for ways to undo the breakup:
What if I had been more patient?
Maybe if I show them I’m still here, they’ll realise their mistake.
I’ll just stay friends—at least that way they won’t leave completely.
Bargaining is driven by fear—fear of loss, loneliness, and the unknown. It’s an attempt to regain control, even if it means settling for less than you deserve.
Example:
Lisa’s ex told her he didn’t want a serious relationship, but she convinced herself that if she kept things casual and showed she was “low maintenance,” he might change his mind. She adjusted her needs to fit his, not realising she was losing herself in the process.
How to Help Yourself:
Recognise that love built on negotiation isn’t love—it’s insecurity.
Remind yourself why the relationship ended. Revisit old messages or journals if needed.
Write a letter to yourself from the future, reminding yourself why you’re moving forward.
4. Depression – “This really is over.”
This is the heartbreak stage. The finality of it all sinks in, and the loss feels heavy. You might experience:
A deep sense of loneliness and sadness.
Loss of motivation or interest in things you once enjoyed.
A feeling of emptiness, like something is missing.
This stage is tough because it forces you to face what you’ve been avoiding—the void left behind. But here’s the thing: this sadness isn’t proof you should go back; it’s proof you’re healing.
Example:
After her long-term relationship ended, Mia found herself unable to enjoy activities she used to love. Music, movies, and even certain places were painful reminders of her ex. She struggled to imagine a future without him.
How to Help Yourself:
Let yourself feel it. Suppressing pain only prolongs it.
Surround yourself with support—friends, therapy, or journaling.
Engage in small acts of self-care, even if they feel meaningless at first.
5. Acceptance – “It’s over, and I’ll be okay.”
Acceptance isn’t about being happy the relationship ended. It’s about no longer resisting reality.
You stop waiting for them to change or come back.
You start seeing the breakup as a redirection rather than a rejection.
You begin focusing on your future instead of the past.
Acceptance doesn’t mean you won’t have moments of sadness or nostalgia, but it does mean you’re no longer controlled by them.
Example:
After months of healing, Jake found himself laughing with friends without thinking about his ex. He no longer checked their social media or replayed old conversations in his head. He still had memories, but they no longer held power over him.
How to Help Yourself:
Set new goals for yourself that have nothing to do with them.
Reflect on what you learned from the relationship and how you’ve grown.
Open yourself up to new experiences, whether that’s dating, friendships, or personal passions.
Final Thoughts: Healing Isn’t Linear
You may cycle through these stages more than once. You might feel fine one day and heartbroken the next. That’s normal. Healing isn’t about rushing to acceptance; it’s about allowing yourself to move through grief with self-compassion.
No matter where you are in this process, know this: You will love again. But more importantly, you will live again—whole, happy, and at peace. 💛
With Love & Compassion,
Tammy