How to Trust Yourself Again After a Breakup
Breakups can make you feel like you’ve lost all sense of direction. One day, you’re confidently picking out your favourite coffee order; the next, you’re questioning if you can even be trusted to choose the right Netflix show.
Losing trust in yourself after a breakup is normal, but here’s the good news: You don’t need to be perfect to rebuild it. You just need to start showing up for yourself in small, consistent ways. Let’s dive into the science-backed, psychology-approved steps to help you regain that trust—because you absolutely can.
Why Do We Lose Trust in Ourselves After a Breakup?
According to Attachment Theory, breakups shake our internal security system, making us question our ability to make good decisions. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) explains that our brain loves to catastrophize—cue thoughts like “I always pick the wrong people” or “I’ll never trust myself again.” Meanwhile, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) reminds us that it’s not the pain of the breakup that keeps us stuck, but our resistance to it.
In short? Your brain is doing its best to protect you, but sometimes it needs a little rewiring. Here’s how.
1. Rebuild Self-Trust Through Small Wins
The problem: After a breakup, decision-making feels like a trap—what if you get it wrong again?
The fix: Start with tiny, low-risk decisions.
Pick a restaurant without scrolling through 50 reviews.
Choose an outfit in under 30 seconds.
Make one spontaneous choice a day (yes, even if it’s just switching up your coffee order).
Small wins build momentum. The more you honour your choices, the more confident you become in your ability to decide bigger things.
2. Stop Fighting Reality (ACT to the Rescue)
The problem: You’re stuck replaying the breakup like a tragic movie.
The fix: Use defusion, an ACT technique to detach from unhelpful thoughts.
Instead of saying, “I can’t trust myself to choose the right person,” reframe it as, “I’m having the thought that I can’t trust myself.”
This reminds you that thoughts are just thoughts—they don’t define you.
Bonus: Try singing the thought to the tune of “Happy Birthday.” (It sounds silly, but it helps take the emotional weight out of it.)
3. Make Micro-Commitments (and Keep Them)
The problem: You feel like you can’t rely on yourself anymore.
The fix: Show yourself you’re dependable with micro-commitments.
Say you’ll drink one glass of water before coffee—and do it.
Pick a bedtime and (mostly) stick to it.
If you say you’ll go for a walk, walk to the mailbox at minimum.
Self-trust isn’t built overnight. But every time you follow through, you prove to yourself that you’re capable.
4. See “Bad” Choices as Data, Not Failure
The problem: You’re terrified of making another mistake.
The fix: Flip your perspective—mistakes aren’t failures, they’re feedback.
Think of past relationships as experiments. What worked? What didn’t?
Instead of saying, “I messed up,” ask, “What did this teach me about what I truly need?”
Psychological flexibility (a core ACT principle) is about adapting, not being perfect.
5. Use the 3-Second Rule to Trust Your Gut
The problem: You second-guess everything.
The fix: Try the 3-second rule—when making a decision, notice your first instinct and act within three seconds before doubt kicks in.
Want to say no? Say it before overthinking takes over.
Feel excited about something? Give yourself permission to follow through.
The more you honour your instincts, the more you reinforce self-trust.
Final Thoughts: You Can Trust Yourself Again
Rebuilding trust in yourself isn’t about never making mistakes—it’s about knowing you’ll be okay no matter what. Every small decision, every act of self-kindness, every moment you choose yourself adds up.
So, go ahead—trust yourself to pick the sandwich, the outfit, the next adventure. Because even if it’s just a coffee order today, that’s a step toward trusting yourself in love again tomorrow.
If you’re ready to dive deeper and rebuild your self-trust with guidance, let’s work together. Book a session with me, and let’s get you back to feeling confident, secure, and empowered in your choices.
With love,
Tammy