Rebuilding Trust: The Science, the Actions, and Moving Forward
Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship, but when it’s broken, it leaves behind fractures that aren’t easily mended. The responsibility for repair lies with the one who broke it, but rebuilding isn’t an overnight process. So, what does the science say about how long it takes? What actions actually help? And what about those lingering feelings of betrayal—do we just ‘get over it’?
The Science of Rebuilding Trust
Research suggests that trust, once broken, takes significantly longer to rebuild than it does to establish in the first place. According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, trust is built in small moments over time. Studies indicate that, on average, it can take between six months to two years for trust to be re-established—depending on the depth of the betrayal, the effort put into repair, and the willingness of the hurt partner to heal.
Neuroscience also tells us that betrayal activates the brain’s pain centres, triggering a fight-or-flight response. This means that even if we want to move on quickly, our nervous system may resist, seeking safety before opening up again. The antidote? Repeated, consistent actions that demonstrate reliability and care.
The Acts That Matter: Transparency, Openness, and Accountability
Radical Transparency – This means no more secrets, half-truths, or defensiveness. Rebuilding trust requires honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. Transparency fosters safety, giving the betrayed partner access to the information they need to feel secure.
Openness and Emotional Availability – It’s not just about being truthful; it’s about being emotionally open. A partner who has betrayed must be willing to have difficult conversations, validate feelings, and show empathy rather than dismissing or rushing the healing process.
Consistent and Predictable Behaviour – Trust isn’t rebuilt with grand gestures but through small, repeated actions. Following through on promises, being where you say you’ll be, and showing up emotionally are all vital.
Apology and Amends – A genuine apology isn’t just ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s an ongoing effort to understand the impact of one’s actions and to make meaningful changes. This includes recognising triggers and actively working to prevent repeating past mistakes.
But Can’t We Just Move On? Letting Go vs. Holding On
It’s tempting to want to ‘get over it’ and move on quickly, but skipping the healing process only buries wounds, which then resurface later. However, there is a balance between working through pain and choosing not to let it define the relationship.
For the betrayed partner, healing means actively working through emotions rather than replaying the hurt in an endless loop. It means expressing what’s needed for trust to feel safe again, rather than silently resenting. It also means recognising when past betrayals (from this or previous relationships) are casting shadows and addressing them separately.
For the one who broke trust, patience is key. Pushing a partner to ‘get over it’ before they’re ready is counterproductive. Instead, focus on demonstrating reliability and understanding that forgiveness and trust are two different things—one can be granted before the other is restored.
Moving Forward: Rebuilding Trust Within Yourself
If you’ve been betrayed, your work isn’t just about trusting your partner again—it’s about trusting yourself. Learning to listen to your intuition, setting boundaries, and recognising red flags are essential. If trust has been broken before, it’s important to differentiate between genuine relationship concerns and past wounds resurfacing. Therapy, coaching, or self-reflection can help separate the two.
Trust isn’t rebuilt with words alone. It’s the actions taken consistently over time that truly matter. Whether you’re the one working to regain trust or the one learning to open your heart again, the key is patience, intention, and a willingness to grow together.
With love and resilience,
Tammy Biton