Is It OK to Get Under Someone to Get Over Someone?
I recently went through a breakup myself, and let me tell you, the advice came flooding in. But one of the most common things I heard from friends was, “Tammy, just get under someone to get over him.” It’s a classic suggestion, isn’t it? On the surface, it seems simple – distract yourself, feel desired, and move on. But as someone who’s been through the emotional rollercoaster of heartbreak (and as a coach who helps others navigate it), I couldn’t help but wonder: Does it really work?
The Psychology of Rebounds
Interestingly, science has a few things to say about rebounds. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that rebound relationships can sometimes provide a short-term boost in self-esteem and emotional recovery. They can remind you of your worth and distract you from the sting of heartbreak.
But here’s the thing: if the goal is to avoid feeling the deeper emotions that come with a breakup, rebounds are more like a quick sugar rush – satisfying in the moment, but not exactly nourishing in the long run.
Why the Idea Is So Tempting
Breakups leave us vulnerable. The loss of connection, intimacy, and shared routine creates a void, and rebounds often feel like the quickest way to fill it. But I had to ask myself (and I encourage you to do the same):
Am I looking for genuine connection or just a distraction?
Do I want this new person, or do I just want to feel wanted?
Will this help me heal, or am I running from the discomfort of healing?
These aren’t always easy questions to answer in the moment, but they matter.
The Risks of “Getting Under Someone”
The biggest risk? You might end up using someone else as an emotional crutch. That doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human. But when you’re not clear about your intentions, it can lead to unnecessary hurt, both for you and the other person.
Rebounds also have a way of delaying the inevitable. The emotions you’re avoiding now will eventually bubble to the surface. And trust me, healing is always easier when you face it head-on, rather than dragging it out.
Can Rebounds Ever Be Healthy?
Yes, they can—if approached with honesty and self-awareness. If you’re upfront with yourself and the other person about where you’re at emotionally, a rebound can be a space to rediscover yourself, explore new dynamics, and even have a bit of fun.
The key is intention. Are you entering this connection with clarity, or are you using it as a Band-Aid for your pain?
What I’ve Learned
As tempting as it was to follow my friends’ advice, I knew I needed to focus on reconnecting with myself first. Breakups, painful as they are, can be an incredible opportunity for growth. They force us to reflect on who we are, what we want, and how we can love ourselves more fully.
So, instead of diving into someone else’s arms, I chose to dive into my own self-care, my friendships, and my personal growth. And while it wasn’t always easy, it felt more empowering than a quick fix ever could.
Final Thoughts
Is it OK to get under someone to get over someone? Sure, if it’s done with awareness, honesty, and respect—for yourself and the other person. But if you’re looking for true healing, I promise you this: the most fulfilling way to move on is to come back to yourself.
Because at the end of the day, you are your own greatest love story.
If you’re struggling to navigate the emotional fallout of a breakup, I’m here to help. My coaching programs are designed to support you in reconnecting with yourself, breaking unhealthy patterns, and stepping into your most empowered self.
Let’s work together to make your healing journey a transformative one. Reach out to me today, and let’s take the first step toward your brighter, stronger future.
Love,
Tammy Biton
Relationship & Self-Love Coach